Sunday, 21 September 2008

Musician jokes

Via Earthlingz...

More at http://www9.plala.or.jp/edurbrow/musicjokes.html

"The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic
hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs.
There's also a negative side." - Hunter S Thompson

Q: What's the definition of a gentleman?
A: One who knows how to play the saxophone, but doesn't.

Q: What's the difference between a 14" pizza and a musician?
A: A 14" pizza can feed a family of four.

Q: What's the difference between a saxophone and a lawnmower? A: You can
tune a lawnmower and the owner's neighbors don't mind if you don't
return the sax when you borrow it.

Q: How many sopranos does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three: one to change the bulb, one to kick the ladder out from under
her, and one to say, "I knew it was too high for you, dear."


Q: What's the difference between a soprano and a rottweiler ?
A: Lipstick.

Q: How do lute players spend their time?
A: They spend 80% of their time tuning and 20% if their time playing out
of tune.

Q: What do lead trumpet players use for birth control?
A: Their personality.

Q: What is the definition of perfect pitch?
A: When you get the viola into the toilet without hitting the sides.

Q: What is the difference between a violist and a terrorist?
A: Terrorists have sympathizers.

Q: How do you get a viola section to play spiccato?
A: Write a whole note with "solo" above it.

Q: What is the difference between a dressmaker and an alto?
A: The dressmaker tucks up the frills.

Q: How can you tell if a violin is out of tune?
A: The bow is moving.

Q: How are a bagpipe player and blind javelin thrower alike?
A: Neither has to be very good to get everybody's attention...

Q: Where is a good place to practice the bagpipes?
A: North Dakota.

A few definitions:

Crescendo: A reminder to the performer that he has been playing too loudly.
Discord: Not to be confused with Datcord.
Espressivo: Close eyes and play with a wide vibrato.
Glissando: The musical equivalent of slipping on a banana peel. Also, a
technique adopted by string players for difficult runs.
Lamentoso: With handkerchiefs.
Mean-Tone Temperament: One's state of mind when everybody's trying to
tune at the same time.
Organum: You may not participate in the Lai without one.
Stops: Something Bach did not have on his organ.

Q: How do you get 5 oboes in tune?
A: Shoot 4 of them.
Q: What are burning oboes used for?
A: To set bassoons on fire.

Q: What happens if you sing country music backwards?
A: You get your job and your wife back.

Q:What do you say to the banjo player in the three piece suit?
A:Will the defendant please rise.

Q:What's the definition of a minor second?
A:Two flutes playing a unison

Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and instead of bleeding, he
sings.

Q: What is the difference between a clarinet and an onion?
A: People cry when you chop an onion into pieces.

Q: What is the difference between an accordion and a trampoline?
A: You take off your shoes before jumping on the trampoline.

Q: What do you call someone who hangs around a bunch of musicians?
A: A drummer.

Q: There's a five pound note on the floor. Which of a thrash guitarist,
a drummer who keeps good time and a drummer who keeps bad time picks it up?
A: The drummer who keeps bad time: the other drummer doesn't exist and
the thrash guitarist doesn't care about notes anyway.

What did the drummer get on his I.Q. test?
Saliva.

If thine enemy wrong thee, buy each of his children a drum.


Q: What do you call a drummer with no girlfriend?
A: Homeless.

Q: How do you know when a drummer is at your door?
A: The knocking speeds up.

Q: How do you tell when a singer is at your door?
A: He can't find the key and doesn't know when to come in.

Q:What's the inscription on dead blues-singers tombstones?
A:"I didn't wake up this morning..."

Q:What do a vacuum cleaner and an electric guitar have in common?
A:When you plug them in, they suck.

Q. What does it mean when the guitar player is drooling out of both
sides of his mouth?
A. The stage is level.

Q: How do you make a guitarist play quieter?
A: Put a sheet of music in front of him.
Q: How do you make him stop?
A: Put notes on it!

Q: How many guitarists does it take to read a page of sheet music?
A: When you find one who can, ask.

Q: What do you call a guitarist's voice mail?
A: Mommy.

Q- What do you do when a guitar player comes to your door?
A- Pay him for the pizza and shut the door quickly

Q- How many producers does it take to change a light bulb?
A- What do you think?

How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but the guitarist had to show him how first.

SON: Dad, when I grow up I want to be a musician.
DAD: Well you know son, you can't do both.

Q: What's the difference between a frog driving down the road in a car
and a trombone player driving down the road in a car?
A: The frog might be driving to a gig.

Q: What's the difference between a violinist and a dog?
A: A dog knows when to stop scratching.

Q: How do you make a chain saw sound like a baritone sax?
A: Add vibrato.

Q: What's the difference between a charging bull and a symphony conductor?
A: The bull has the horns in front and the asshole in back.

What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat minor.

A note left for a pianist from his wife:
Gone Chopin, (have Liszt), Bach in a Minuet.

Someone requested Victor Borge that he play something by Bach, to which
Victor replied, "Which one, Johann Sebastian or Offen?"


------------------------------
------

=======================================================
EARTHLINGZ Homepage: http://earthlingz.net
=======================================================
"After one look at this planet any visitor from outer space would say "I want to see the manager."
-William S. Burroughs-
=======================================================

1 comment:

the one-liner girl said...

Nice work!

But I didn't know there was so much contempt...how terrible!

BTW, I think my fave is the country music one; just classic!